Say Hi There To My Bad Body Double

Hello friend.

How are things going with you? Life continues much as it always has here in rural Michigan. I procrastinate more than I should and wind up unmotivated. Somehow events persist around me.

"This is no good," I tell myself. I've got a straight shot of work until after Christmas with no vacation time planned. I can't have burnt out this fast after my vacation in July. It seems to have happened, though. I need to find a way to get what I need done without all of the pressure I seem to put on myself.

For about a week, I'm great. I vacuum the rooms, do the dishes, get laundry done, stay on top of clutter. Then, something hits. I feel under the weather; I work a weird shift; someone wants to get together to talk at the last minute.

This disruption is no one's fault but my own. I still feel slightly powerless by it, though.

Something to work through. I have full control over all of this. It's my life. I decide how to react to all of it. It's up to me to take control.

Have a great afternoon. I hope this finds you well.

We've Spent a Stolen Season Taking All that We Can Take II

The time has come for beginnings and endings. Letting go of the old and transforming into the new.

Several months back, my apartment caught on fire at 3 am in the morning. Everything that sated and secured me dwelled within that space. In the moment I walked outside of the building, I came immediately to terms with the simple fact that I might never seen any of it again.

So much has changed since that time. Much of the smaller things I possessed were salvageable; however, I find now that I don't really want a lot of them. When I was trying to find myself several years ago, I acquired and acquired as much as possible. Books, DVDs, kitchen supplies, towels... it goes on. I kept useless memorabilia from other points in my life. Boxes of it.

Everything tied me down and into that past. Don't misunderstand where I'm going with this; I respect where I have been - it has made me as I am.

In the months following the fire, I found myself trying to live as I had before it. Inevitably, I failed horribly daily. My kitchen had been thrown together and I couldn't find anything to cook. Clothes had been piled in the closet with no rhyme or reason and again, I couldn't find what I was looking for. Books, important papers, candles, you name it.

This led to daily frustration and disappointment in myself. This crept into other parts of my life; relationships suffered, my performance at work suffered, I couldn't connect to things I had enjoyed doing.

I needed a change. My life is mine, damn it. I'm going to make the most of it.

The choice became clear to me, almost as if it was guided to me. All I had to do was see the signs and listen to what was being told to me.

Let go.

I'm relatively controlling, and it hasn't been easy. It is necessary. Discard the pieces of my past that I have no obligation to anymore. Let go of the burdens that I've carried. The guilt. Unfulfilled promises. Acceptance of my own brokenness. Change the things I can change. Like reorganizing my kitchen so that I can find things!

It's all within my reach. So often I think I feel helpless by outside circumstances. In growing I've started to learn that I have the power to react to them. Instead of feeling helpless, accept what I can't control and spin it as I want it to be.

There's still so much to be done, but I'm working on it. I'll be posting here about my usual fun stuff, and now you can even follow my personal vlog on youtube. Check out my first video!

Thank you, friend.

We've Spent A Stolen Season Taking All That We Can Take

Hello there friend.

It's a difficult blog I write today. Have you heard the term "the dark night of the soul?" I really enjoy its connotation. In essence, the term speaks about a time in a person's life where that person goes through great struggle. Things seem dark and most likely depressing. Things that don't bother the person become mountains to overcome.

For me, the dark night comes every few years following a great change. My father going to war, leaving college, job changes, moving. This time it's trial by fire. The first few days were the hardest for me. I got terribly sick and terribly depressed. My family and friends surrounded me and protected me from the worst of myself. Still, I haven't felt those feelings off loss and emptiness in years. Every day I come back to my new apartment to find totes off crap and piles of things that still need to be sorted in every area of my space. It leaves me disorganized and almost dizzy.

I imagine it almost feels like someone who has lost memory with age. Where do I keep glasses? Bowls? I need a cheese grater and I know I have three and can't find any of them in the cupboards. So I do the same two meals with the things I do know where to locate. Frozen pizza or a canned meal.

I have been trying to get out of the box and try new things - for instance I've been trying to eat smaller portions and incorporate a fruit and vegetable smoothie in the place of one of my meals. It's helping me feel better physically, but my feeling of confusion and inadequacy continues. So the totes stay stacked around the apartment and I've learned just to walk around them.

So I've come to the fork in the road. It's the place where I need to be bigger than the issues that surround me. Bigger than defeat. Bigger than not knowing. Bigger than depression. Bigger than anxiety. Big enough to not just get on with my life, but to start living it again.

In truth, I wasn't aware of how bad it had gotten. Then, this weekend I went on a small camping retreat with Patrick that was much needed. However it was just long enough, and just relaxing enough that when I was thrust back into reality and life it was as if someone had dunked my head in cold water. Wake up call.

The dark night of the soul is a time of testing. It's time for me to wake up. To be.