What is the Force that Binds the Stars

Good evening friend!

It's part three of my epic journey to New York! Time to get this story on the books. 

To recap: my bags have been packed, everything has been planned, and I was just waiting for Jewel to arrive with the rental car.

In a few short minutes she arrives! Many hugs are had as well as nervous screams of excitement. I grab my things and we start our epic adventure! 

We drive south towards the Ohio Turnpike - we'll take that most of the way to the city. It's just like old times between us - we start talking as if we're in the middle of some great theatrical production that we're in technical rehearsals for. The new Into the Woods movie, the upcoming The Last Five Years, local community theater gossip - nothing is off the table for us. Life, family, work, changes in all of the above. 

I'm honored to have a friend like her. No matter the time that passes, we pick up just where we left up and grow from there. 

At any rate, in a few hours we decide to stop and take a break at a rest station. The turnpike rest stops are fantastic for having great amenities and actual eateries. Well, a couple of fast food options instead of a vending machine. Still, salad in hand and Jewel at my side, we sit in a corner of the pavilion that isn't being cleaned. (It was about 9:30 PM at this point, so the janitorial staff were hard at work)

We sit there eating, minding our own business when a true character comes to sit right behind us. I managed to snap this picture before Jewel's giggling made being sneaky an impossibility.  In retrospect, he wasn't all that odd, just out of place. I suppose we were too - I wonder if they were taking pictures of us characters? 

After some giggling and a few uncontrollable salad-spitting laughs, it becomes apparent that what we need at that exact moment of time is more caffeine. Right? Sure, this sounds like a great idea! It will definitely help silence the giggling. 

I guess this 24 hour Starbucks in the rest stop will be handy. 

Before we knew it, we each had a single shot of espresso ready to down. I tell her I like mine with some raw sugar (it tastes like espresso candy at the end), and she tries it. 

Mmmm... coffee. This will go well. With eagerness we bundle up again and wade out into the harsh January night. 

At this point, I hoped the night would never end. Somehow the espresso allowed for a more honest conversation. Maybe it's like ADD medication and brought us back down to earth instead of hyping us up? 

Religion, science, politics; open discussion, respectful disagreement in some cases. The miles of road passed underneath us as music played on underneath our discussions. Into the mountains of Pennsylvania we drove. Wait, the fuel tank is how low? How far do we have until the next town? 

Until part four

We've Spent A Stolen Season Taking All That We Can Take

Hello there friend.

It's a difficult blog I write today. Have you heard the term "the dark night of the soul?" I really enjoy its connotation. In essence, the term speaks about a time in a person's life where that person goes through great struggle. Things seem dark and most likely depressing. Things that don't bother the person become mountains to overcome.

For me, the dark night comes every few years following a great change. My father going to war, leaving college, job changes, moving. This time it's trial by fire. The first few days were the hardest for me. I got terribly sick and terribly depressed. My family and friends surrounded me and protected me from the worst of myself. Still, I haven't felt those feelings off loss and emptiness in years. Every day I come back to my new apartment to find totes off crap and piles of things that still need to be sorted in every area of my space. It leaves me disorganized and almost dizzy.

I imagine it almost feels like someone who has lost memory with age. Where do I keep glasses? Bowls? I need a cheese grater and I know I have three and can't find any of them in the cupboards. So I do the same two meals with the things I do know where to locate. Frozen pizza or a canned meal.

I have been trying to get out of the box and try new things - for instance I've been trying to eat smaller portions and incorporate a fruit and vegetable smoothie in the place of one of my meals. It's helping me feel better physically, but my feeling of confusion and inadequacy continues. So the totes stay stacked around the apartment and I've learned just to walk around them.

So I've come to the fork in the road. It's the place where I need to be bigger than the issues that surround me. Bigger than defeat. Bigger than not knowing. Bigger than depression. Bigger than anxiety. Big enough to not just get on with my life, but to start living it again.

In truth, I wasn't aware of how bad it had gotten. Then, this weekend I went on a small camping retreat with Patrick that was much needed. However it was just long enough, and just relaxing enough that when I was thrust back into reality and life it was as if someone had dunked my head in cold water. Wake up call.

The dark night of the soul is a time of testing. It's time for me to wake up. To be.