Say Hi There To My Bad Body Double

Hello friend.

How are things going with you? Life continues much as it always has here in rural Michigan. I procrastinate more than I should and wind up unmotivated. Somehow events persist around me.

"This is no good," I tell myself. I've got a straight shot of work until after Christmas with no vacation time planned. I can't have burnt out this fast after my vacation in July. It seems to have happened, though. I need to find a way to get what I need done without all of the pressure I seem to put on myself.

For about a week, I'm great. I vacuum the rooms, do the dishes, get laundry done, stay on top of clutter. Then, something hits. I feel under the weather; I work a weird shift; someone wants to get together to talk at the last minute.

This disruption is no one's fault but my own. I still feel slightly powerless by it, though.

Something to work through. I have full control over all of this. It's my life. I decide how to react to all of it. It's up to me to take control.

Have a great afternoon. I hope this finds you well.

Time Goes Quicker Between the Two of Us

Hello friend.

Welcome to Fall. It's really almost here, I'm so very excited.

Life has been busy for me; I've been trying to stay busy to keep myself from obsessing about my losses. That's how I cope. Take on a new project, learn a new skill. It helps me focus on the things that bring me joy and let go of the things that tie me down.

My recent addiction is vlogging. I've been vlogging for almost a month now - I do a weekly update over on youtube that you can find here. Yes, I know. I plugged it last blog. Don't mind me as I drive the point home, it's really fun to do! Every week I scramble to get it ready on Saturday nights - sometimes after work. Every week, it makes me so happy to see that piece of me out there to be witnessed.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago where a wife talked about her marriage. She said about it (approximately) "you're saying yes. Yes, I will witness your life. I will notice. I will care."

That got me thinking. I don't plan on being with someone in that way. So, what will my legacy be? Who will be my witness? I witness hundreds of people online every day. After seeing my good friend Lindsay do her daily vlog for almost a year, I got the bug. It hit me; the world could be my witness. Or, the internet could. The number of views I get doesn't matter to me. The simple fact that a piece of me is out there is what matters.

I plan on keeping this blog up as well. We'll see how well that goes - it always seems like a more personal piece of me on here.

Again, we'll see. Thank you, friend.

We've Spent a Stolen Season Taking All that We Can Take II

The time has come for beginnings and endings. Letting go of the old and transforming into the new.

Several months back, my apartment caught on fire at 3 am in the morning. Everything that sated and secured me dwelled within that space. In the moment I walked outside of the building, I came immediately to terms with the simple fact that I might never seen any of it again.

So much has changed since that time. Much of the smaller things I possessed were salvageable; however, I find now that I don't really want a lot of them. When I was trying to find myself several years ago, I acquired and acquired as much as possible. Books, DVDs, kitchen supplies, towels... it goes on. I kept useless memorabilia from other points in my life. Boxes of it.

Everything tied me down and into that past. Don't misunderstand where I'm going with this; I respect where I have been - it has made me as I am.

In the months following the fire, I found myself trying to live as I had before it. Inevitably, I failed horribly daily. My kitchen had been thrown together and I couldn't find anything to cook. Clothes had been piled in the closet with no rhyme or reason and again, I couldn't find what I was looking for. Books, important papers, candles, you name it.

This led to daily frustration and disappointment in myself. This crept into other parts of my life; relationships suffered, my performance at work suffered, I couldn't connect to things I had enjoyed doing.

I needed a change. My life is mine, damn it. I'm going to make the most of it.

The choice became clear to me, almost as if it was guided to me. All I had to do was see the signs and listen to what was being told to me.

Let go.

I'm relatively controlling, and it hasn't been easy. It is necessary. Discard the pieces of my past that I have no obligation to anymore. Let go of the burdens that I've carried. The guilt. Unfulfilled promises. Acceptance of my own brokenness. Change the things I can change. Like reorganizing my kitchen so that I can find things!

It's all within my reach. So often I think I feel helpless by outside circumstances. In growing I've started to learn that I have the power to react to them. Instead of feeling helpless, accept what I can't control and spin it as I want it to be.

There's still so much to be done, but I'm working on it. I'll be posting here about my usual fun stuff, and now you can even follow my personal vlog on youtube. Check out my first video!

Thank you, friend.

I See the Stars Through A Mirror

Good evening, friend.

I don't know if I've given up on trying to chronicle my trip to NYC or not. It's all starting to get fuzzy. Some details are clear as crystal, and others just start to haze over in the madness and sheer insanity of it all. I saw Sting perform live. In a limited run of the musical he wrote. "This is ridiculous, what am I doing here, I'm in the wrong story..."

To top that off, a good friend of mine just published her debut novel! I know, I know. I talked about it in the last blog - but it bears repeating! Such a fun read, very well told. Check it out, The Beast by Lindsay Mead. It's also available at Amazon. I'm so excited about this one - I was one of the first beta readers to finish it, and I haven't been able to talk about it at all with anyone until now! 

The book is the first book in a Steampunk retelling of the classic fairy tale Beauty and the Beast. What can I say? There are hellhounds, badass heroines, awesome gadgets, memorable characters, and secrets lurking throughout the book that I have a feeling will all tie together in the end! I can't wait! 

How's life for me? It keeps going. Picking up the pieces after the fire, still. The new apartment is starting to feel like home, and I'm grateful for that. My own novel is coming along as well, with some encouragement from one Lindsay Mead. I'll be taking some time off in the next few weeks to work on both and to take some time for myself. 

I'm also thinking about doing a weekly vlog on youtube... much to ponder I suppose. As with this blog, it would be a matter of staying on top of and personal discipline... which I'm ever so great at... as you can clearly see...

At any rate, much love and I'll talk with you soon. 

We're All Mad Here, and It's Okay

Hello friend.

I'm doing an awful job at keeping you updated. Promises and assurances may not be the best move on my part, considering my history; however my intention remains to keep this blog up, going, and fun to read. That said, I'll stop talking about my guilt for not keeping it so!

Personally, not much has been happening aside from work. I did go to an excellent concert headlined by Lindsey Stirling. Such a good show. The opener, Karmin, did an excellent job as well and I haven't been able to stop listening to their music. My friend Lindsay Mead vlogged the experience and you can watch that here.

Speaking of Lindsay Mead, she has a new book coming out near the end of this month. It's being released on ebook first, then making its way to paperback and hardcover. It can be preordered on Amazon. If you have a Nook device, it should be available to purchase on June 22nd! I've had a chance to read The Beast, and it's an excellent steampunk retelling of Beauty and the Beast. /shamelessplug

At any rate, the concert thrilled me. I haven't been to a live concert in several years, and this may not have been the show to do it. Lindsey was just too good. Her songs, while excellent in just listening or enjoyable to see the music video for, were turned into pure performance art. Lights, shadows, screens, and all kinds of other special effects she employed to tell moving stories. It moved me how well she told stories with, for the most part, songs that had no lyrics.

Thank you for listening.

What is the Force that Binds the Stars

Good evening friend!

It's part three of my epic journey to New York! Time to get this story on the books. 

To recap: my bags have been packed, everything has been planned, and I was just waiting for Jewel to arrive with the rental car.

In a few short minutes she arrives! Many hugs are had as well as nervous screams of excitement. I grab my things and we start our epic adventure! 

We drive south towards the Ohio Turnpike - we'll take that most of the way to the city. It's just like old times between us - we start talking as if we're in the middle of some great theatrical production that we're in technical rehearsals for. The new Into the Woods movie, the upcoming The Last Five Years, local community theater gossip - nothing is off the table for us. Life, family, work, changes in all of the above. 

I'm honored to have a friend like her. No matter the time that passes, we pick up just where we left up and grow from there. 

At any rate, in a few hours we decide to stop and take a break at a rest station. The turnpike rest stops are fantastic for having great amenities and actual eateries. Well, a couple of fast food options instead of a vending machine. Still, salad in hand and Jewel at my side, we sit in a corner of the pavilion that isn't being cleaned. (It was about 9:30 PM at this point, so the janitorial staff were hard at work)

We sit there eating, minding our own business when a true character comes to sit right behind us. I managed to snap this picture before Jewel's giggling made being sneaky an impossibility.  In retrospect, he wasn't all that odd, just out of place. I suppose we were too - I wonder if they were taking pictures of us characters? 

After some giggling and a few uncontrollable salad-spitting laughs, it becomes apparent that what we need at that exact moment of time is more caffeine. Right? Sure, this sounds like a great idea! It will definitely help silence the giggling. 

I guess this 24 hour Starbucks in the rest stop will be handy. 

Before we knew it, we each had a single shot of espresso ready to down. I tell her I like mine with some raw sugar (it tastes like espresso candy at the end), and she tries it. 

Mmmm... coffee. This will go well. With eagerness we bundle up again and wade out into the harsh January night. 

At this point, I hoped the night would never end. Somehow the espresso allowed for a more honest conversation. Maybe it's like ADD medication and brought us back down to earth instead of hyping us up? 

Religion, science, politics; open discussion, respectful disagreement in some cases. The miles of road passed underneath us as music played on underneath our discussions. Into the mountains of Pennsylvania we drove. Wait, the fuel tank is how low? How far do we have until the next town? 

Until part four

We've Spent A Stolen Season Taking All That We Can Take

Hello there friend.

It's a difficult blog I write today. Have you heard the term "the dark night of the soul?" I really enjoy its connotation. In essence, the term speaks about a time in a person's life where that person goes through great struggle. Things seem dark and most likely depressing. Things that don't bother the person become mountains to overcome.

For me, the dark night comes every few years following a great change. My father going to war, leaving college, job changes, moving. This time it's trial by fire. The first few days were the hardest for me. I got terribly sick and terribly depressed. My family and friends surrounded me and protected me from the worst of myself. Still, I haven't felt those feelings off loss and emptiness in years. Every day I come back to my new apartment to find totes off crap and piles of things that still need to be sorted in every area of my space. It leaves me disorganized and almost dizzy.

I imagine it almost feels like someone who has lost memory with age. Where do I keep glasses? Bowls? I need a cheese grater and I know I have three and can't find any of them in the cupboards. So I do the same two meals with the things I do know where to locate. Frozen pizza or a canned meal.

I have been trying to get out of the box and try new things - for instance I've been trying to eat smaller portions and incorporate a fruit and vegetable smoothie in the place of one of my meals. It's helping me feel better physically, but my feeling of confusion and inadequacy continues. So the totes stay stacked around the apartment and I've learned just to walk around them.

So I've come to the fork in the road. It's the place where I need to be bigger than the issues that surround me. Bigger than defeat. Bigger than not knowing. Bigger than depression. Bigger than anxiety. Big enough to not just get on with my life, but to start living it again.

In truth, I wasn't aware of how bad it had gotten. Then, this weekend I went on a small camping retreat with Patrick that was much needed. However it was just long enough, and just relaxing enough that when I was thrust back into reality and life it was as if someone had dunked my head in cold water. Wake up call.

The dark night of the soul is a time of testing. It's time for me to wake up. To be.